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’24K Magic’ for a Pyrite Year

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Bruno Mars may have inadvertently saved us from depression in 2016 with his latest album.

The Brunz is back!…and he’s gathered us all on his time machine and taken us back to the ‘80s. You probably were not aware how badly you needed an album like this, but after listening, you will be. The presidential election was just the pickle on the crap sandwich that was 2016, but immediately after, we were reminded by Mr. Mars that life is a party, and that the music is still alive. Bruno’s blend of funk, 80s groove, new jack swing, and sexy R&B made us remember a simpler time, where people had dances that made them sweat, and love that made them just as hot.

I can honestly say I loved every track, but here are the tracks that are on replay:

1. 24K Magic
The title track lets you know what you’re in for right off the bat. That synthesizer just oozes gold lamé and white loafers, and when the beat hits you can hear the pinky rings go “bling” in the moonlight. The song feels like Zapp and Roger and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five hooked up in a fur-lined party bus and had a funky lovechild.
The video came out the same day as the single, and was probably filmed during Bruno’s residency in Vegas. It’s everything we hoped he and his band would be doing in Vegas, and makes us wish we were there, swimming in a kiddie pool of champagne.

2. Chunky
A lot of people don’t know this, but this song was written about me. OK, so I’m lying, but I do wear “big ol’ hoops” quite frequently, and I might drop it like it’s lukewarm every now and then….
But seriously, this song makes me appreciate and understand the stage Bruno Mars and his band are in life: appreciating a good woman with a little meat on here bones. As the second track, it’s smoother and takes a down a little bit so you can cool down and re-up at the bar before the next track comes on.

3. Perm
THIS SONG IS MY FAVORITE. Bruno Mars has clearly either dated some black women or has a black auntie somewhere in Hawaii. The song starts off with a voice, clear “uncle” (older black male who is probably wearing a Kangol, velour tracksuit, and socks with sandals) saying, “Man, look at you, been walking in here looking all pretty and angry and mean and good….”
OK, this song might be the one that’s about me and my chronic RBF….

The song, pure, unadulterated funk, makes you wanna pop lock as soon as the beat hits. The hook, “Throw some perm on yo’attitude! You gotta relax…” is reminiscent of the wild, hilarious, accurate taglines we would hear from Morris Day, and just like the Time, Bruno’s backing band provides the gang vocals for a call and response groove throughout the song. I hope the video is nothing but them performing the song live and doing some of that fun choreo we love to see them do.

4. Versace on the Floor
This song is sex-cellent. This is grown folks’ music. Bruno is trying to steal your girl. It’s a smooth R&B ballad that will make you ready to get nekkid. What I like about Bruno is that he manages to be sexy without being gross. The song woos the woman he’s speaking to into the bedroom, and talks about romantically building up to making love to her. He admires the lady and sings to her instead just hopping to doing the deed. Hold on to your clothes, ladies. They might just fall off as you listen.

5. Finesse
Second favorite song on the whole album! I got the biggest Boyz II Men vibe from this song. The vocals are overexaggerated in some areas, but the backing beat is total new jack swing. It’s a dance song, but in a different way than the rest of the songs on the album. Instead of wanting to go full out, you’ll want to move those shoulder and hop from side to side. You’ll really start feeling yourself listening to this song about “drippin’ in finesse.” The whole time I was waiting for a rap verse by Heavy D that didn’t happen, but it sure wouldn’t have been out of place. If you’re a Jimmy Jam era connoisseur or a Teddy Riley groover, you’ll dig this one for sure.

Like I said, I love every song on the album. But these were my top five faves. And now, this video has nothing to do with the album, per se, but watch it just for poops and giggles and to get to love Bruno even more than you already should:

 

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